Envy of its finest
by Maria Recinella
Summary: Lovino Vargas is a young man who lives with Antonio Fernandez Carriedo who he has fallen for, the only thing in the way of his love, is Antonio's boyfriend, Arthur Kirkland. Contains Spamano, Spuk, Usuk. Back in time, around 1600-1700
1. Chapter 1

They danced around on the balcony that ran down the huge building. Swinging each other around, laughing, getting all close and then moving away from each other again.

Lovino watched Antonio and Arthur from the courtyard. He sat on the stairs, but it didn't seem they had noticed him yet. Antonio was gorgeous, Lovino had already decided that. His tan skin, his hair tied into a ponytail, his green sparkling eyes filled with everything that mattered in Lovino's life, that amazing smile that parted those pretty lips and of course his perfect body. Lovino desired to get to know all that. He longed to hug Antonio, but not the way he did now. He didn't want Antonio to see him as an adopted little brother anymore, not when he had feelings for the man. He longed to kiss him, touch him... To feel everything with him.

They both laughed again and Lovino's chest tightened. It pressed on his lungs. He could barely breathe. His heart also ached. It was a dreadful kind of agony Lovino had never felt before and he feared his heart was going to break for real. That it would just burst and he'd pass away right on the spot. And then there was the sickening feeling in his gut. He tried to swallow it, but with no luck. The feeling went all the way down and twisted his stomach. It was jealousy of the worst kind. It made his skin prickle hot with anger and annoyance. Lovino felt every bad feeling in the world and at the same time he felt nothing. Because it emptied him completely to see Antonio with another, it ripped away all his thoughts and took away his will to do anything. It made him feel like a hollow shell that was meant for nothing else than suffering.

They were close again, this time closer than before and Lovino couldn't even process the situation when Antonio leaned in and placed his lips on Arthur, who just happily leaned close to him too. Lovino nearly choked, the feeling of jealousy exploded in his stomach and painted all his insides with envy. Lovino wanted to scream or yell at them to find a room, which it seemed they did; because when they finished their never ending, agony filling kiss, Antonio leaned in and whispered something in Arthur's ear. Arthur giggled and nodded, then Antonio took his hand and they ran off laughing, leaving Lovino on the courtyard stairs, staring at the nothing.

He didn't know how long he sat there, hours probably. It managed to get dark when footsteps sounded behind him. Even though he didn't want it to be like that, Lovino's heart rose, hoping it was Antonio. He had never been this mad at Antonio before, yet he craved to be around him. That would never change, and it made Lovino sick just to think of it.

"It's cold out here, you really should consider going inside" Lovino's felt his heart drop, then come back, pounding faster that before and pump the anger and jealousy that filled it, out in his every vein. Lovino refused to turn around and look at Arthur. "I'm fine" he just said coldly. Lovino could hear Arthur shrug "do want you want kiddo, oh and by the way, I think Antonio is looking for you."

Lovino's chest filled with meaningless excitement as he got up. Without a word, he walked close by Arthur, yet not touching him. He felt how Arthur stared after him, probably wondering why Feliciano was so nice when Lovino was so mean. But Lovino didn't care, he always had a reason to be mad at people and he was always mad at everyone.

Lovino pushed through the door to Antonio's office. He didn't know whether to feel excited or nervous. Most of all he tried not feel anything. Antonio sat in his office chair, with his legs resting on the table. He was investigating a ring as though it was the first time he saw one. "Would you believe it?" asked Antonio, still not taking his eyes from the tiny jewellery. "believe _what_?" Lovino sat down in the chair across him. "Look" Antonio handed Lovino the ring. It was made of pure gold, had a red stone in it and engraved inside it… Lovino nearly dropped the ring. He stared at the tiny letters in utter disbelief. He blinked, in hope they would go away, but they wouldn't. It was the bitter reality. His couldn't breathe again. It felt as though someone had grabbed his heart and now tried squeezing all the blood out of it. He was sure he was going to be sick, he was sure he was going to cry. "He said yes" Antonio said. Lovino handed back the ring. The smile Antonio wore now was brighter than ever, but this time Lovino couldn't fall in love with that smile. He felt betrayed, hurt, but he had no right to feel this way. Antonio did not like him like that. He only saw him as a little brother and Lovino was so sick and tired of it, but instead of yelling at Antonio to go to hell with his stupid fiancé, Lovino just got up. "Good for you, was there anything else bastard?" the words came out of his mouth, but he didn't speak them. It wasn't really him, rather just a shield to hide his true feelings. "Oh, come on Lovino!" Antonio put the ring back on his finger before making his way over to Lovino. He took a step back, but Antonio pulled him into a warm embrace. Oh no, this wasn't how he wanted it. He didn't want it to feel this platonic. He didn't want it to be this one sided. "Be happy for me for once!" Antonio's voice rose into a joyful laughter. It just didn't seem charming this time, it was mocking and Lovino couldn't take it. He pushed Antonio away "no touching."

Arthur visited them every day. Never in his life had Lovino seen them that happy, never in his life had he been so jealous. He drowned in envy. It filled his lungs, his stomach, his whole body. At last he was nothing else than the feeling itself.


	2. Chapter 2

Lovino took a deep breath "there's no turning back now" he whispered, took a spoon, and stirred. The powder dissolved in the wine, until it was part of the liquid. He gave the tray to a butler "here, now remember, the wine is for Arthur and the rum is for Antonio" he watched nervously as the butler walked off with the tray. He could feel his heart beat fast, guilt tried to wash away the envy within him. Lovino refused to let it. Of course, this was the right choice, there was no other way… right? Lovino took a huge sip of the rum bottle beside him.

It wasn't long before the whole castle was turned into pure pandemonium. Servants rushed around, trying to figure what to do with themselves. A doctor came running, hurrying to Antonio's bedroom. The sound of footsteps echoed all around. People talked to each other, all trying to understand what had happened. In the midst of all the chaos, stood Lovino. He could barely process it all. He wanted cry, he wanted to laugh. It was so surreal to think he had caused such a gruesome situation. He had poisoned someone. The realisation hit him harder than he had expected. He saw Antonio walk out of the bedroom. He looked to be in shock of what had just happened before his eyes. He looked at Lovino. Their eyes locked together, and for a moment Lovino feared Antonio knew. Antonio then turned and kicked a table, causing the vase on it to fall and shatter. "I demand to find out who did this!" Antonio yelled, his voice echoed loudly in the hallway. Lovino watched as he collapsed on the ground, crying. The butler from before took a step forward and Lovino's stomach tightened with anxiety. "I know who it was" he said. Antonio looked up at him. The butler pointed at Lovino "him, he handed me the glasses, it took him an awful long time to prepare it." Antonio turned his head to look at Lovino. This was it, Antonio was going to send him away, he was never going to look at Lovino again. He would probably send him to prison and never ever forgive him. Lovino's heart was going to crumble more and more for every day that would pass by behind bars if he wasn't executed. Lovino was so certain of it, but to his surprise, Antonio turned to the butler.

"How dare you insult Lovino that way? He would never do such an awful thing!"

"But sir, I am only telling you what I saw- "

"I don't want to hear such lies, out, out of my castle and never return!"

Lovino watched as they escorted the butler out. Relief threw away all the worry. To think Antonio had that much belief in him. If Antonio ever found out what really had happened, he would be heartbroken. Lovino couldn't bare that thought.

Lovino felt a mix of disappointment and relief when he was told Arthur wasn't dead. He was hospitalised in Antonio's bedroom. He was currently in a coma, but alive. Antonio barely spend time away from him. The days passed by, dull and quiet. No one else than Antonio normally spoke to him, and with Antonio grieving on the other side of a locked door, Lovino was all alone. But after all, wasn't that just what he deserved? Lovino wasn't sure. He wanted to convince himself he had done the only logical thing to do in such a poignant situation. He knew it wasn't the truth though, and he was too tired to convince himself the opposite. He lay awake at night, thinking about everything at once. Whenever he did fall asleep, he had nightmares about Arthur falling unconsciously to the floor. He saw those pale, lifeless eyes stare into the nothing. The feeling of guilt was unbearable. It was in his gut, in his stomach and Lovino constantly feared he was going to vomit. He wanted to tell Antonio what had happened. He imagined Antonio pulling him into a warm embrace, one that wasn't platonic, one that wasn't one sided. He imagined Antonio tell him it was alright, and that he wasn't angry. Of course, Lovino knew that was only in his head. If Antonio found out, Lovino would end up beheaded.

Arthur was awake. He stayed in bed most of the time though, and whenever he took a walk around the castle, Antonio would go with him. All Lovino's guilt had almost disappeared. He now wished Arthur had passed away. He had never felt his kind of hatred before. It ate him up and Lovino feared himself, because he felt he had lost control. At the same time the nagging guilt still lingered in the back of his mind and pleaded him to tell Antonio. The voice of it grew louder with every day that passed. He couldn't tell Antonio, but he had to tell someone else. No matter how many times he thought it through, there was only one person he could think of who deserved to know.

Arthur.

Lovino made his way down the hallway. His whole body trembled with anxiety. The thought of turning around and go back again was so alluring, yet Lovino knew he had no choice. If he turned around now, he would never be able to look himself in the mirror again. A knot in his throat formed as he stood in front of the door to Antonio's bedroom. He feared he wouldn't be able to speak when it came down to it. Out of habit, he did not knock and just opened the door to the bedroom. That turned out to be a great mistake.


	3. Chapter 3

Lovino's eyes widened his disbelief of what played out before him. Their lips were pressed together in a passionate kiss. One of those he had dreamed of having with Antonio. Lovino took a step back, his hand flying to his mouth. Arthur wasn't kissing Antonio; he was kissing a guy Lovino knew as the kitchen boy. His name was Alfred, an exasperating person really. Lovino's head was on the verge of explosion. Why would he do such a thing towards Antonio? Did Antonio know? How long had this been going on? What would it mean for Arthur and Antonio's relationship? What should Lovino do now?

Lovino quickly closed the door and walked off. Luckily they hadn't noticed him. His chest filled with a mixture of a thousand emotions. Fury made it hard not to yell, uncertainty held him back. Lovino walked past Antonio who was on his way back to his bedroom… A sudden feeling of panic hit Lovino. He couldn't let Antonio find out this way. He turned around and just managed to seize Antonio's wrist before he was out of reach. "Antonio, wait" it almost sounded as though he pleaded him. "yes?" Antonio smiled. He was so oblivious to what happened behind his back, it tugged at Lovino's heart. "… do you want to go for a walk?" it was the only thing he could come up with. Antonio looked stunned at first, then he smiled warmly again "of course I do! Although… I should go check on Arthur" as Antonio tried to walk away and Lovino held tighter onto him "I just went to visit him, but he was asleep." Antonio grinned "aww Lovino, I'm glad you're finally opening up to us." _Us_ it was the worst word he could possibly use. It pointed out how those two were in separate. Lovino just shrugged.

Petals from dying flowers decorated the ground. The sky was grey, but it didn't rain just yet. The garden was changing from vivid summer colours, to a breathtaking autumn spectrum. "Too bad it's already getting this cold" Antonio said. Lovino didn't answer, he was lost in thought. Thoughts that Antonio, ought to know, but then again, wouldn't that hurt him? Of course, it would, so maybe it was best not to say. On the other hand, didn't Antonio deserve to know? Lovino felt guilty for something he hadn't even done, or was that guilt for poisoning Arthur? A thousand questions gave Lovino a great headache. "Lovino" Antonio's voice forced him back to reality. He looked over at the other man to find him looking quite concerned "Are you alright? You seem so distant." Lovino opened his mouth to spill everything. He was ready speak like a waterfall. He wanted to tell Antonio the feelings that ruled within him. The deepest darkest ones that Antonio were never to know and the ones that he felt daily. A wave of loneliness washed over him as he realised that he had no friends to tell things like this. Lovino was only accompanied by his own thoughts and worries. He opened his mouth, not only let all his feelings, but also to bond with Antonio. To have all those endless conversations that only appeared in romance novels. He opened his mouth and nothing came out.

"You don't have to worry all the damn time, I just spaced out"

As the months grew colder Arthur got out of bed. The mood in the castle changed, the garden turned cold and looked dead. Inside the Christmas decorations started to move in. The only thing that didn't change was Arthur's meetups with the kitchen boy. How they managed not to get seen by Antonio was a mystery to Lovino. He kept seeing them talking, laughing and kissing in secrecy. Maybe it was because Lovino unconsciously looked for them. He didn't want to, but he was driven by a strong curiosity. Normally nothing ever happened in the godforsaken caste. It felt like a soap opera played out right in front of his eyes. It was so dramatic and so wrong, yet he wanted to know everything. He sought out the show shamelessly. A stupid thing to do, because he felt he was going to collapse with exhaustion. It was surprisingly draining to keep all those secrets.

Lovino however, did reach his breaking point. He watched as Alfred got down on one knee. He took a step back. Lovino couldn't watch, instead he turned around and ran off. Out of the castle, to the stables. Lovino got his own horse, a majestic shadowy black stallion. He only put the bridle on, he did not have time for the saddle. Lovino swung himself onto the horse and cantered off. He headed to Francis' castle. Francis was one of Antonio's best friend. He was one exasperating idiot, but he was the only one Lovino could think of telling. Francis was widely known for being wise on love. He would surely have a solution to all this madness.

Lovino walked through the squeaking doors to Francis' office. Francis sat in the corner of the room with Gilbert, another one of Antonio's best friends. "Oh look it's Lovino! How wonderful of you to pay me a visit!" his smile suddenly fainted "where is Antonio? Did something happen?" Lovino shook his head. He went over to sit down on the desk. He had never actually been in Francis' office. It was rather cosy. He had a fireplace and the walls were hidden by tall bookshelves that held thousands of colour organised books. Lovino turned his head to look at Francis. "I need your stupid advice" it was hard enough to say, but the bright grin that parted Francis' lips seemed to mock him. Francis stood up "why of course mon cher." Lovino only spoke a little French, he did however fully understand the meaning of those words. He immediately snatched his hand away when Francis brought it to his lips. Gilbert laughed which only offended Francis more. "What do you need my advice for?" Lovino took a deep breath, then it all spilled out. How he had caught Arthur with Alfred. How he seemed happier in the kitchen boy's presence than Antonio's. He told them about the many times they had been with each other in secrecy. He told them about Antonio's oblivion to the whole situation. He finished off the long story with the most scandalous thing of them all, the proposal. Francis and Gilbert, who had listened silently the whole time, looked rather troubled with the dilemma Lovino had given them.

"Are they just planning to get married? Do they expect Antonio not to notice?" asked Gilbert. His forehead had several wrinkles as though he had misunderstood something. Lovino shrugged, that he couldn't answer. "I don't know, but that's not really the problem, now is it dumbass? The problem is whether I should tell him or not"

"Yes, that certainly is a good question" said Francis who had started to pace around the room. Lovino watched as he mumbled to himself in French. At last he stopped.

"I think you should tell him, Antonio deserves to know after all" Francis said. He looked at Lovino. Never had Francis looked this serious before, not in Lovino's company at least. "Well I don't think you should tell him, I speak of experience" Gilbert crossed his arms. However, he did not look at Lovino, instead his gaze was fixed on Francis. "When I found out Roderich cheated on me with my fiancée, I was devastated" said Gilbert.

"Yes, but you deserved it, you cheated on your fiancée with him!"

"Yeah, but the point is that it would break Antonio's heart so we should not tell him"

"So what? Isn't better if we tell him than if he walks in on them one day?"

"Isn't it better if he doesn't find out at all?"

Lovino got up, this was not helping in any way, the two only made him even more confused. Lovino went unnoticedly out of the door. He walked back through the long corridors, back to his horse. "Hey boy" he gently stroked his neck, then got onto the horse and rode off. The closer they got, the more ambivalence flooded him. Should he tell, should he leave Antonio in the happy dream world he lived in now. Lovino realised how fatigued he was. Sleepless nights, arguing with himself in the moonlight. It was no good, especially considering that he hadn't gotten to an answer yet. At the same time, he also had to deal with the longing for Antonio's love. It was a constant pain, located in the middle of his chest. It sat like a heavy stone, digging into his heart. Maybe he was sick, maybe it wasn't a feeling, rather something palpable. Perhaps he had some sort of plague. Lovino felt like such a lascivious jerk sometimes.

However, when he reached the castle, he learned that all those reflections didn't matter anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

"I can't believe you! Do you not have any self-respect?"

"I do not lack self-respect! In fact, I possess loads of it, that is why I decided I deserved someone better than you!"

"A kitchen boy? Forgive me for saying this Alfred, but you think that I, a high ranked lord, am worth less than a peasant who does nothing, but peel potatoes all day?!"

"sometimes I do cut tomatoes as well, but- "

"Alfred dear, let Antonio and I speak"

Their voices raged through the castle like a wildfire. It boomed louder than a heated war. Lovino followed the voices to find just what it had sounded like, Antonio and Arthur engaged in a raving fight. They stood face to face. Even though Antonio's expression spelled fury, Lovino could clearly see how hurt he was. His green eyes were watery. He looked hurt, slain, like a defeated warrior. Arthur didn't seem to have noticed as he went on with his endless tirade. Antonio's dreadful eyes flickered to Lovino and held a hand up to shut Arthur up. At first Arthur protested, then he looked over at Lovino. "What the hell is happening here?" asked Lovino, although he knew every detail of the story already. Antonio walked over to him. He was so close, only inches away. Lovino could smell his wonderful essence. He could see every detail of his handsome face. It was perfectly symmetrical, his lips, which were usually stretched into an enthralling smile, were a straight line, his beautiful eyes that shone in this moment as well, just not with happiness. It was the Antonio he loved. The one he adored, even now in this tense situation. "Lovino, please go to your room, I will explain everything later… I don't want you to witness this" Antonio said. Lovino wondered whether he should hug Antonio, he looked someone who needed a hug. Instead Lovino just did as Antonio ordered him to.

Lovino waited in what seemed forever before the door opened. Antonio walked in "I apologise for the wait" he said as he closed the door. Antonio looked drained. He had dark circles under his eyes, the tiny smile on his lips was depleted from the argument and red eyes indicated that he had cried. Antonio never cried in front of others, Lovino wasn't sure why. Lovino patted the bed. Antonio took the hint and sat down beside him "Arthur and I broke up…" Lovino sighed heavily "wow, I would never have guessed that… What happened?"

Antonio told him everything, how he had walked in on the two making out. The coarse way Arthur had just dismissed Antonio's every argument. How had gotten that sinking feeling when he realised it was over. At one point, Lovino was certain that Antonio was going to cry, but he did not. Lovino spend that night listening to all he had to say. He stopped himself from cursing. He did everything he could, but in the end Antonio told him to get some sleep and just left Lovino's feelings hanging there one-sided in the air.

Lovino walked through the glass doors to the balcony. He walked over to the edge and leaned against the railing. It was a beautiful sight, from where he stood he could see the ginormous frozen lake surrounding the castle. Birds flew across the bright blue sky, there was not a single cloud to be seen. Frost covered the grass, turning it a pale green colour, but the most beautiful thing out of them all, was Antonio. He paced around the courtyard, obviously thinking something over. "Hey bastard" Lovino called. Antonio turned his head to look up. His smile illuminated the whole place, it was so wonderfully captivating. "hi Lovi!" Antonio took a step towards the balcony. "Come inside, it's colder than my attitude out here" said Lovino, which only brightened Antonio's smile.

"All right, I'll come inside and we can have cake"

"Then hurry your ass up"

Antonio embraced Lovino. Weirdly enough, it did not feel platonic or one-sided. Lovino genuinely believed he loved him too. He reached his arms around Antonio. "I'm so glad I have you" Antonio spoke into Lovino's hair. Lovino could feel his warm breath, it was reassuring. He wanted to stay like this forever. Antonio was of course going to let go, it was inevitable. As long as he just held on much longer.

"I guess I am too…"

Occurrences like those kept coming up in Arthur's absence. Antonio would take his hand as they walked together, he would hug him when Lovino was upset, he would tell him personal things, something which Antonio had never done before. It was so wonderful and surreal. Deep down, Lovino was certain it was just because he missed Arthur, but he imagined it wasn't. He painted a dream world in his mind, filled with blossoming love. It was a fake reality, but better than anything else he had encountered so far.

"If that's how you feel then I suggest you leave" Arthur's voice thundered down the hallway. Tears threatened to spill. How many broken hearts would he have to go through?

Alfred stared back, eyes that once were kind, were now cold as the Siberian ice. "Don't act as though you're the all-knowing adult" said Alfred. He was ready to leave, it was clear in all his being. Arthur wanted him to stay. He hadn't meant to offend him. Of course, he hadn't, he loved Alfred, to lose him would be equal to losing his own life.

Alfred did what he was not supposed to, he turned around and left. The heavy door slammed against the frame, leaving Arthur alone in the hallway. What was there to do apart from grieving?

Drinking obviously.

Arthur went to the cellar. Bottle after bottle got pulled out of their rightful spots. What could have been a productive night, turned into a blur of memory.


	5. Chapter 5

Lovino looked up from his book, Antonio was beaming with happiness. Oh no, what crazy idea had he gotten now? Lovino walked over to him. Antonio was hiding something behind his back, he had a look of mischief on his face. Lovino attempted to see what it was, but Antonio kept moving. "What do you have behind your back?" asked Lovino exasperated. Antonio's grin seemed to grow brighter. "Take a guess, cariño!" Lovino stared long and hard at Antonio. He was adorable when he was excited, but also tremendously frustrating. Antonio finally seemed to realise that Lovino was not going to guess. He showed his hand to Lovino, in which he was holding a little animal with a green-brown shell. Lovino raised an eyebrow "a turtle? Really?" he struggled to hide the giggle that rose in his chest. Antonio however didn't seem to notice, he just grinned excitedly "what should I call him? Sir Kirkland?"

Lovino felt a cold knot form in his stomach. His mouth seemed to dry out. He shook his head in disbelief, tried to relive those two seconds, but with other words coming out of Antonio's mouth. It had been months since… "I-I don't think that's a good idea" Lovino stammered as he watched Antonio. The bastard was clearly avoiding Lovino's eyes. He investigated the turtle very closely, nevertheless Lovino saw the look in his eyes. How had Lovino been so blind? It was so damn obvious… Was Lovino just a stupid victim to love? Had a feeling really blocked his view from seeing the truth? That Antonio still liked-

"You're right, it's a horrible idea" Antonio cut of Lovino's diatribe before it had even begun. He smiled at Lovino and the look in his eyes had vanished as dew before the sun's rays. Once again, they beamed as always. Lovino nodded quietly, he knew he shouldn't worry. Of course, he could trust Antonio.

They danced around on the balcony that ran down the huge building. Swinging each other around, getting all close and then moving away from each other again. Lovino had his own little battle going on, fighting a wide smile that threatened to spread across his lips. Antonio pulled him close once again and Lovino stared into those magnificent green eyes. "You can smile, you know, it would make me happy" Antonio said, his voice sounded softer than normally. Lovino felt an excited chill run down his spine. He shrugged "I know bastard, but I'm not close to smiling" Antonio let out an amused chuckle. He suddenly dipped Lovino, taking the breath away from him. Lovino felt a blush spread across his cheeks, making him all warm. "I don't believe that" Antonio spoke quietly, almost sensually "I can see it in your eyes, you want to smile." Lovino looked away, however he could no longer fight off that exasperating smile. Antonio pulled him up again and spun him around. He grinned wider too now. It was like a dream come true. He felt as though the two of them had become inseparable. He even dared to believe that there was love between them. It was true they had never kissed, but Lovino could feel a bond which had never existed before. It was exciting, yet terrifying. Lovino felt happier than ever before, there was no doubt, but what if it all went wrong? First of all, where would he live? And how would he live without wonderful, captivating Antonio?

So many questions, so many worries, but Lovino didn't feel scared at all. Not now when they were together, dancing like this. It was simply impossible for him to think beyond this moment.

Antonio pulled him close for the millionth time, however it felt different this time. They were so close, Lovino could feel Antonio's breath on his own lips. He tried to withhold their locked together gaze, but he couldn't help glancing down at Antonio's lips. His heart was beating faster than ever before. His stomach raced, not in a bad way. It all felt so perfect. Antonio leaned closer without a single protest from Lovino. This was going to happen, Lovino wasn't dreaming. Excitement and happiness flooded him. He had been waiting for this moment in all the time he could remember. Finally…

Antonio suddenly looked up much to Lovino's surprise. Antonio let go of him and Lovino felt himself go cold. He turned around and his heart dropped immediately. A stone returned to his stomach, one he knew too well. "What are you doing here?" Antonio's voice rose into a relieved laugh. "Well…" Arthur took the Spaniard's hand in his "I want you back, if you want me that is." Antonio's smiled broadened "of course I want you! All this time Arthur, you have been the only one on my mind." The two of them went inside, chattering as though Lovino had never been there. He had become invisible to Antonio the very moment Arthur had returned.

Even though it was a warm day, Lovino had never felt so cold. All he could do was sit down against the railing and cry. He sat there for what might have been seconds or what might have been hours. He could no longer tell time, it didn't matter either.

Lovino took a deep breath "there's no turning back now" he whispered, took a spoon, and stirred. The powder dissolved in the wine, until it was part of the liquid. He stared into the glass. His reflection stared back from the red surface. To think he was doing this again. Memories flew through his head, swarmed like bees. They all stung him, because they were all endlessly sad. They wouldn't have been mere hours ago, but now that Lovino had lost the only thing that mattered, they were all bittersweet. Lovino took a deep breath again. He lifted the glass. This was for the best he convinced himself, he would feel better… Wouldn't he? Wasn't that what everyone said? Nothing hurts once you're gone.

Lovino held the glass against his lips, then he chugged it down as though it was the last liquid left on Earth. A few anxious minutes went by, then his body started getting heavier and heavier, until he was no longer able to hold himself up. Lovino felt his mouth go numb, his throat burned and it felt like his stomach was trying to get rid of the poison, but it was too weak, too tired. Lovino's eyelids closed slowly. A last thought ran through his head.

Antonio.


	6. Epilogue

" Arthur please, no need to apologise! I'm just glad you're here" Antonio took the other's hand in his and gently planted a kiss on it. Arthur's gaze softened, Antonio loved when it did that. He took his time, taking all of Arthur's beauty in. Oh, how he had missed him. His essence, his beautiful accent, and his amazing personality. Everything about Arthur was so perfect, it was hard to understand.

The doors to the room suddenly flew up. A kitchen girl came in, her face was twisted with absolute terror. "Mr. Carriedo, there seems to be something wrong with Lovino, I think he might be…" her voice disappeared like sand between fingers. Antonio stood up, brows furrowed in confusion "you reckon what?" She looked down at the ground "I'm afraid he isn't breathing, but of course I'm not sure, I just-" however she was cut off as Antonio rushed past her. When he reached the corridor, he realised he didn't know where to look for Lovino "where is he?!"

"Antonio dear, no need to panic, she is not a doctor, he is probably all right" Arthur placed a reassuring hand on Antonio's shoulder "now, as she is a kitchen girl I expect he is-"

But also Arthur was cut off when Antonio hurried past him, heading for the kitchen. His heart pounded so fast it hurt. All Antonio could think of was ensuring Lovino's safety. He ran through the seemingly endless corridors. Everything around him was a blur.

He opened the doors to the kitchen. The sight he met was the one he feared the most: Lovino laid lifeless on the floor, surrounded by staff. Antonio walked past them and kneeled before the body. He pulled Lovino into his arms, behind him he heard Arthur gasp. Tears blinded Antonio as he repeatedly whispered no. "Who did this?!" He yelled loudly as though it wasn't clear like the sky outside.

It was his own fault.

Silence fell over the crowd as the priest finished his speech. Antonio looked at the grave with stern eyes. However behind those steely eyes, was a sorrow worse than any he had ever experienced. Agony ached through his body, both physically and mentally. Antonio felt all eyes on him. He took a step forward. "Shortly after the death I asked who had done such a horrible thing. Since that, I have had a terrifying realisation. The blame is upon me" Antonio didn't even wince as everyone around him started to mumble curiously. "Lovino was a brave man… he managed to do something most of us struggle to, even me. He supressed feelings for a long, long time. Nevertheless the results of bottling up feelings can be cruel, and this case is no exception. This man loved me, and I played him like an instrument. I knew all along that he felt this way and I… I…" the tears pressed on. Antonio fought sobs and his voice shook as he continued: "I was so selfish. I didn't even tell him I appreciated him. All I did, was use him to cope with my own loneliness. I should be six feet under the ground, not him… I-I'm sorry, I just need a moment" Antonio's voice broke. He sat down and laid flowers on grave. "I want to apologise to Lovino because he is the only person who has always been loyal to me. I cannot believe that I preferred someone who cheated on me over someone like Lovino. Someone who really loved me for who I am. Only few of us ever meet people like that and I took it for granted."

Silence fell over them once again. As time passed, people left and at last Antonio was the only person left. He let his fingers run over Lovino's engraved name. Antonio reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny box. He opened the box, inside it was a marvellous golden ring. Gently he placed it between all the flowers. "I am sorry that it took your life for me to realise that I love you too"


End file.
